06-01-2008
I Surrender
May has been a dark month for me.
In the month last passed I lost a second friend in a year to cancer. The first one left in her early 50s, this one in her 40's. In both cases I felt I could have done more to help...but missed the opportunity, or didn't do "enough"...
The natural diasasters all over the world and especially the Si Chuan earthquake which one sees covered everyday in the news has further depressed me. The magnitude was just overwhelming. All of a sudden as if a black cloud had descended upon me. I felt powerless.
To add to all this a very good friend in her 30's has just been diagnosed with cancer... (And where she lives there are strict import rules and I can't even send her the supplements I have prepared for her)
I had "this shouldn't be", "they are so young...", "why her..." running in my head. And of course the "why I can't do more"... I had not felt so bad for a long time. Even though I was trying to "coach" myself and step aside it was not really helping much.
I knew how this was not serving me or anyone. I knew at least I had not acknowledged my sadness and anger. I had pretended all was OK but inside I was ready to explode.
One day I just set aside a time and let myself cry.
After the release of crying I felt much clearer.
It's so important to acknowledge our feelings and express them. I was reminded again.
I was then able to get out and socialize and let other people contribute to me. (I had been uncharacteristically quiet and reclusive for two weeks). I had a great get together with my friends in the coaching community and got back to feeling empowered again. My coach friends were very good with coaching me.
I could let myself love myself first. And I could gradually release the guilt of "why I can't keep everyone healthy/happy" and be okay with it.
With the passing of each day I realized how this may be a time of worst sufferings but this is also the time for the most beautiful of human nature to shine through. Time and again as I watched the news I was inspired and uplifted by the courage and strength of people in times of unbelievable distress.
I am in awe of life - its sadness and its beauty, its depth, its mystery and all of its possibilities...
I am grateful I am alive, yes ALIVE. I feel a new sense of aliveness, from giving myself, whether financially or simply by sending blessings, noticing the gift of my own life and giving myself love.
I am grateful of the perfect and mysterious balance of yin and yang of life. This is really not a poor excuse to explain why there are sufferings. It's so easy for me to push away the unpleasant and deny it... But indeed in moments of stillness and clarity I truly can see there is a perfect balance of light and dark, fear and courage, strength and vulnerability, sadness and happiness, truly one cannot exist without the other.
I salute to the wisdom behind all this.
I acknowledge my love for myself for being the source for what I have to give others.
May has been an enlightening month for me.
I surrender... to the immense love that IS life.
Additional note (9th June 08):
Way to go for the release of emotions... it's a constant awareness practice. Noticing the sadness and grief, owning it, acknowledging it, and then transforming it with self love... Eventually turning it into the fuel for my passion for wellness education....
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